Loss

Why in loss do we feel like we need to suck it up and not cry? Why do we push people away and want to sit in sadness alone?

Years ago, my husband and I suffered a loss of a sweet baby at 12 weeks pregnant. we had prayed and hoped for this baby. We waited to tell our friends and most of our family that we were pregnant. This baby was going to be our fourth child, we have had issues during our last three kids' pregnancies and births so we just wanted to be cautious. We hadn't planned to tell anyone if we had a miscarriage.

At 11 weeks, I started to feel cramps and uncomfortable. I got checked out and everything seemed fine. Then the following days, things increased. I ended up in the ER on a Sunday. I was getting worse, more frequent cramps. I went to the bathroom before laying in the hospital bed. iIt all went bad from there. I ended up losing so much blood that I ended up in emergency surgery.

The days that followed haunt me still. At our 12 week appointment (the next day) we had planned to tell everyone we were pregnant, but now....what do we done? Instead of announcing the great news we were adding another to our family, did we have to tell everyone we lossed a baby they never knew about?

I had to tell work, our closest friends and family..but we had only told a handful of people. I was physically sick from the surgery and unable to go to work for 2 weeks. So my husband and I decided to tell family, work and our closest friends.

Friends and family reached out to help but I said no thank you.

Our church pastors and staff wanted to come pray with us, I turned them down. I only accepted prayers from a distance.

But why? Years later, I am saddened by my choice to be alone in those moments, to not be comforted, to not feel love surrounding me, to miss the hugs I so needed.

I let pride and my "toughness" get in the way and my need to get through it on my own. I didn't want to cry in front of anyone. I felt so much sadness, but I knew and felt God with me. I thought I didn't need other people to comfort me. I felt God some how had prepared me to get through our loss, which He did. I didn't feel I should take what others may need, because I felt covered enough. I knew God would get me through it, so I stayed in prayer and asked people around us to give us space to heal on my own. My husband supported me and let everyone know ehat had happened and asked for space.

My body physically was not doing well though. I had a minor reaction to the emergency anesthesia. Then I was put on a path of chronic fatigue, muscle aches, migraines and so much more ( in the next few years I would learn I would have a different battle to face). My husband cared for me and then kids while we worked through losing a baby and me physically getting to a point where I could get back to work.

So looking back, I regret not taking the love, hugs and prayers I needed in those moments. My heart was indeed broken, my body was hurting, God was still with me. I should have had the strength to accept the help I was offered. God didnt want me to go through a loss, let alone life on my own or just with my husband. He created a community around us so we could lean on each other. But then in the middle of a tough point, we chose not to lean. Thankfully, we had friends who pushed in anyway and made sure to provide us with help while respecting my want to not see anyone.

Reflecting, I think, I just didn't want to have an outburst of tears in front of anyone, I didn't want to worry anyone because I looked so pale and fragile. So instead of surrounding myself with God's earthly hands of our friends, church and family, I pushed them away. I pushed them away because of pride. I was proud that I could get through anything. I wanted to show I was tough and unbreakable to the world around me. Truthfully, I was hurt, sad and my heart was broken.

I want to tell all the moms out there, if you find yourself trying to fight off tears to act "tough" infront of people,

DON'T!

Accept the hugs, food, love and prayers from all the people who are offering it.

Don't be scared to cry on someone's shoulder. God put them in your life in front of you for this very reason.

Swallow that pride and tough girl feeling, because you need to heal!

your heart, body and soul needs to feel the community God gave you to hold you and comfort you in a hard time in your life.

We all know we would be that person for others in a heartbeat, so let others be there for you.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

2 Corinthians 1:4 NIV

https://2corinthians.bible/2-corinthians-1-4